Well I am getting better about this writing but I fear that  I am in no way prepared for NaNoWriMo. I did this in 2008 and didn't finish but this has always been a dream of mine.  I really do love to write right up and about to the time where I am committed to doing it. Perhaps I have a fear of commitment. I do know that I am the only one that can overcome my issues and this is going to be a very serious attempt at doing what I profess to love doing. 
    The weather is getting cool here finally. That always makes me want to build a fire and start writing while drinking coffee and eating biscotti. This is my favorite time of year and I really spend 9 months of the year waiting for the 12 weeks of cool weather that we sometimes get. Living in Texas is not really ideal for someone that loves cold weather. I was born in Alaska and I love the cold. With that in mind I was forced to grow up in central Texas and Arizona. I have spent the majority of my life longing to live somewhere that has more than two seasons. I keep getting pulled back and forth between the two but if given a choice I would be living in the pacific northwest. I have always thought I belonged in Alaska. I keep hearing you can't go back home but I think I could do nicely in a little cabin in Alaska beside a stream. Let me be snowed in for three months at a time, I love to garden and I am fairly certain if I had internet I would be able to live off canned foods and just write in front of the fireplace all winter. Yes that would be my heaven. I can imagine spending leisurely days fishing to catch dinner or hunting and smoking and curing the meat to be saved for the winter. My husband on the other hand think that anything below 60 is really too cold for him so this does present a few issues. Well not really, this is where he works so I will die longing for the land I come from.
   If I know anything I know that life certainly has not given me what I thought it was going to. Isn't that always the case. I had visions of being a famous singer but I was not given a singers voice, so I thought maybe acting and lord knows I am dramatic enough but alas I never followed that path. It seemed to be my mission in life to raise kids, both helping with my siblings and then having my own child when I was still but a child. I loved being a Mother despite learning as I went. I guess we all do to a degree.  I know I am a much better Mother now than I ever could have been back then. Perhaps there is something to people needing to be licensed to have kids. I would not have passed a class then but I feel like now I could do a more than decent job of parenting.
     I will attempt to be more frequent about writing, we were in a car accident this weekend and it really has derailed me a bit. It's hard to sit comfortably and write anywhere that I try to sit. I suspect this will pass soon enough. It will have to FALL IS HERE! Did I mention that I LOVE this time of year?!?!?!?!

Well I am once again looking for excuses to not blog. It is so easy to get caught up in the events of the day or all thing things I need to do and not write. Not very productive I know but it is what it is. While sitting here formulating what will be my next topic, I found myself trying to concentrate on the peace and quiet but there was a problem with that. At first I thought the strange noises I was hearing were children playing in the yard behind us. Nope could not be more wrong. Apparently our neighbors are the new owners of a whole flock of chickens and they sounded to be most unhappy. I asked a passing roommate,  That's farm animals correct? He stood at the back door and pondered for a moment and nodded his head. Sounds of Old MacDonald were playing in my mind. I am quite a few years beyond singing nursery rhymes. What does one have to do for solitude? From the moment the sun comes up the dogs bark, the sirens wail, school buses roar by. Our world has become so full of noise. I long for the quiet of the White Mountains with nothing but the sound of birds and the stream passing by. I wonder how many people don't actually know what listening to the wind blow sounds like. I can't imagine living somewhere like New York where there is constant noise traffic. I am in rural Austin....now just let me clear up that I live in a small suburb, small being near 100,000 according to the most recent US Census. We lay right on the line next to Austin Texas which is the 11th largest city in the country. Austin is close to 900,000 but there are cities all around it. We sit nicely between Dallas/Ft Worth and San Antonio. Not really a farming community though. Despite the fact that we now seem to live within hearing distance of a farm. Perhaps I have become cynical in my old age but your home is supposed to be your respite. The quiet place you have to land at. This place is starting to remind me more of an airport than a respite of any kind.  And things land at an airport but certainly not what I had in mind. I understand the need for growing your own food and I totally get that it is better for your health to be in control of the things that go in to your body but I am not sure there is any amount of good health that is going to make living with these chickens bearable. Maybe they are just loud when they are being checked for eggs or disturbed but being a writer and working from home are going to make this a difficult relationship. Honestly not a whole lot different than the noise MY dog makes lately but that is because there is a new dog in the house and she thinks she is protecting us from the evil spawn in the front room. That poor animal doesn't stand a chance. She tries to walk through the room and Bonnie (my crazy chihuahua) goes on a barking spree that would rival any other chihuahua I have ever heard. We joke that perhaps she is old enough that she just barks at imaginary things now because we sure don't hear anything to trigger this. She can be sound asleep and just tear it up. I am realizing that this is all frustration coming out. Writing is good for that, helps your figure out exactly what it is that is REALLY bothering you. Not that a solution is there to be found but sometimes just knowing helps. Makes me feel a little more in control anyway!

Unanswered prayers

   It's funny sometimes how life hands you the total and complete opposite of what you think you want or need. It is as if the universe has a wicked cruel sense of humor. I am trying to embrace the reality that things are going to happen as they are supposed to. Just let the chips fall as they will. Why is it that I think I am powerful enough to bring forth change in something that is so obviously beyond my control. I can no more control the actions of others then I can stop the rain from falling or the sky from falling. If I would sit back and just learn to chill and watch this life unfold around me I would surely be much better off. This is not really because of any specific event just pondering life and it's complexities. I worry about silly things like the lakes drying up or the weather not be cooling enough. Surely I am smart enough to know that these are things I have absolutely zero control over. Maybe my lesson in today is that the only thing I can control is me and my actions and everyone else can handle their own junk. The very fact that I thought I could propagate someone else shows me that I indeed have a lot of work left to do on myself. I will forever be a work in progress.
    When I was a young girl I had ideals and visions of what my life would be as an adult. I look back and realize those were a child's thoughts and dreams. Maybe they changed as I got older but I am fairly certain that I never saw this life or any part of it being foretold. I always envisioned I would be a Mother and a writer and it took me until my life is more than half over to get myself here. I don't regret anything in my life nor would I change it. That is where the big BUT comes in....I might would have like to have had some insight in to how precious the days are and how easily we lose those that are closest to us. The ride has been fun and I can smile and know that all things really do work out like they are supposed to. Perhaps it's just because I prayed for things that I really didn't need but I really do thank God for unanswered prayers.

2 Days in a row!

Well hello again! I made it two days in a row. I am hoping this proves that I am taking things more seriously this time around. Not that two days is anything to get excited about mind you but if you knew what was going on around this place you would see the miracle before your eyes. I have two roommates that live with my husband and myself and our 5 yes FIVE chihuahua's. I really should be clear, the dogs allow us to stay in their house with them and use their bed and feed them, yeah I am sure you are getting the picture. I do NOT dress my dogs up and take them everywhere I go. I only put sweaters on them when it is cold which is very rarely here in Texas. Anyway....back to the situation at hand. Two roomates, 5 dogs and a MIL moving in this Saturday. I am starting a writing career and a cake decorating business and my 25 year old daughter shows up at 4 pm and says QUICK.....I need 4 dozen cupcakes. Oh sure just let me don my wonder woman cape, drop any articles I am working on and any dinner I am cooking and jump to helping you with this job for me that you did not give me ANY notice for. Oh sure I can handle everything. PHEW...so glad I have always made it clear that I would do anything for my kids. I am still here blogging and attempting to look like I am so dedicated that I am MAKING the time for this. In all seriousness I am sure she will help and the writing is not like I have to get so many words done today or anything, I am never at a lack for words or the ability to put them on paper when needed. I can sit and write anytime and it is never an issue. Making perfect cupcakes comes almost as easily to me. I have been doing this for a long time as well. Cupcakes are easy and since it is Halloween time I can do purple and orange cupcakes with purple frosting and candy corn and it will be adorable! Then in the twilight hours tonight I will write more and it will have been a successful day. Have I fooled anyone else yet? Yeah me either....well it was an attempt while she is running to the store. I promise to have something to say tomorrow that is a little more interesting. That should get significantly easier to do once my mother in law is in the house. It will be nice to have another female here and perhaps it will even out some of the testosterone that roars through this place on a regular basis. She is close to my age (yes I am a cradle robber) and we get along very well together. She recently lost her husband so she is coming here to be close to family. When I say I am really looking forward to this I am serious. The only thing that could make me love her son anymore is maybe loving her more. He is already pretty treasured even on days when I want to strangle him. Ok enough babbling, time for some magical baking. :::waving as I ride out of sight::::

My demons

Well as you can see I am not as dedicated to some things as I should be. I looked back at the date I started blogging and realized FOUR years have passed. Wow where does the time go? I am currently writing what I call full time, that is in any spare time that I have at all. I am actually getting a few things published and yes I am well aware that this is the very start of my writing career. I had the thought last week that I should be blogging and came back here only to find I had done this a long time ago and just let it go. A lot has changed since then, I would like to think I am a different person today than I was then.  Four years ago I was totally lost in an addiction that I wasn't really even aware that I had. I mean I knew I took medications for pain but I had no idea this had thrown me in to the arena of being an addict.  I had to have a total knee replacement this year in march and upon entering the hospital I became painfully aware that NOTHING they were giving me for pain after surgery was helping my pain levels at all. It was then I believe that I started to realize that I couldn't take pain meds the way I was taking them and then expect anything else to work. Finding this out after surgery may not have been ideal but it was eye opening at best I will tell you. The day after surgery my ortho came in and said how are we doing today? Only to find me in tears sobbing hysterically. Morphine wasn't touching the pain because I had been living on Norcos (10/325) for more years than I could even keep count of. This may be in part due to the fact that I spent so many years living on them and using them just to get through the day. It tends to blur reality. Once I started healing and getting used to not having pain meds my head starting becoming clearer. I realized quickly that I had been living in addiction and making excuses for it for years. It was entirely possible the pain I had felt was increased by my need for more of the drugs. Your mind is a funny thing and it can convince you of things that an ordinarily sane mind would not think of. To say that the time I went through detox was fun would be a lie. It was pain like I had never known but more than that it was WANT. I wanted something to numb life so badly I seriously considered buying something on the street to help bridge the gap. Luckily for me I have a stronger constitution than even I knew. I made it through the withdrawal and the detox and all the cravings and bouts of insanity. I can now say I am at a saner place than I have ever been in my life. I am writing and actually doing something with it and I plan to keep at it. I have let far too many years of my life pass me by. Here I sit at 50 and in many ways I feel like I am starting over but if I can help ONE person who lives in addiction realize that they too can fight it and win then it will have all been worth it.

Lost In a New Land

While I am often inspired to write about a great many things, tonight I seem to be overcome with learning all that I can about blogging. Did I mention I am new to this lol. I have spent the last two hours trying to determine how to search for blogs on specific topics and there seems to be no way to easily accomplish that. There is however a website that you can go to that will allow you to search for blogs by topic and that is www.Leafsy.com...awesome sight that I have started using for a great number of things. I am old school apparently and not as computer literate as I thought I was. I am however determined to remedy this and learn all that I can. Once I get this all figured out perhaps I can actually dig in to some interesting topics. I have learned that opinions are just that and don't really want to piss anyone off but as I have mentioned previously I am a bit strong opinioned about things so bear with me. I really do have a sense of fairness and will listen to other opinions. In the meantime I will continue to scout the land for signs of life and will pop in again tomorrow!

Midnight Writer

I have recently been told that I should start blogging. I fear this may be an attempt by my children and/or their spouses to get me to stop talking so much. They know that I like to write so it may just be that they are helping keep me busy. I have pretty defined opinions on things and tend to voice them when given the chance. I have been using facebook and talking to friends there but that really doesn't quench the need to write. I often find that writing is the only way I can communicate effectively how I feel about something. I am often at a loss for the words when spoken physically but if I can relay them to paper they always are understood. That doesn't mean they are appreciated any more but people will usually understand what I am saying. Do you ever find yourself writing things to you partner or significant other that you can't say to them? I am the worlds worst at doing this. I will get out of bed at 4 am just to "let myself be heard". It is true that if I write it down sometimes the need for it being read is gone, I just need to SAY it. Even if it is said on paper. My husband always hates getting these letters as they normally mean I am unhappy enough about something that it warranted a middle of the night typing session. So this blog will be my energy release spot for now, where I come to release all those pent up emotions and frustrations that negate good sleeping habits. Perhaps I should have called myself the Midnight Writer.