Unanswered prayers

   It's funny sometimes how life hands you the total and complete opposite of what you think you want or need. It is as if the universe has a wicked cruel sense of humor. I am trying to embrace the reality that things are going to happen as they are supposed to. Just let the chips fall as they will. Why is it that I think I am powerful enough to bring forth change in something that is so obviously beyond my control. I can no more control the actions of others then I can stop the rain from falling or the sky from falling. If I would sit back and just learn to chill and watch this life unfold around me I would surely be much better off. This is not really because of any specific event just pondering life and it's complexities. I worry about silly things like the lakes drying up or the weather not be cooling enough. Surely I am smart enough to know that these are things I have absolutely zero control over. Maybe my lesson in today is that the only thing I can control is me and my actions and everyone else can handle their own junk. The very fact that I thought I could propagate someone else shows me that I indeed have a lot of work left to do on myself. I will forever be a work in progress.
    When I was a young girl I had ideals and visions of what my life would be as an adult. I look back and realize those were a child's thoughts and dreams. Maybe they changed as I got older but I am fairly certain that I never saw this life or any part of it being foretold. I always envisioned I would be a Mother and a writer and it took me until my life is more than half over to get myself here. I don't regret anything in my life nor would I change it. That is where the big BUT comes in....I might would have like to have had some insight in to how precious the days are and how easily we lose those that are closest to us. The ride has been fun and I can smile and know that all things really do work out like they are supposed to. Perhaps it's just because I prayed for things that I really didn't need but I really do thank God for unanswered prayers.

2 Days in a row!

Well hello again! I made it two days in a row. I am hoping this proves that I am taking things more seriously this time around. Not that two days is anything to get excited about mind you but if you knew what was going on around this place you would see the miracle before your eyes. I have two roommates that live with my husband and myself and our 5 yes FIVE chihuahua's. I really should be clear, the dogs allow us to stay in their house with them and use their bed and feed them, yeah I am sure you are getting the picture. I do NOT dress my dogs up and take them everywhere I go. I only put sweaters on them when it is cold which is very rarely here in Texas. Anyway....back to the situation at hand. Two roomates, 5 dogs and a MIL moving in this Saturday. I am starting a writing career and a cake decorating business and my 25 year old daughter shows up at 4 pm and says QUICK.....I need 4 dozen cupcakes. Oh sure just let me don my wonder woman cape, drop any articles I am working on and any dinner I am cooking and jump to helping you with this job for me that you did not give me ANY notice for. Oh sure I can handle everything. PHEW...so glad I have always made it clear that I would do anything for my kids. I am still here blogging and attempting to look like I am so dedicated that I am MAKING the time for this. In all seriousness I am sure she will help and the writing is not like I have to get so many words done today or anything, I am never at a lack for words or the ability to put them on paper when needed. I can sit and write anytime and it is never an issue. Making perfect cupcakes comes almost as easily to me. I have been doing this for a long time as well. Cupcakes are easy and since it is Halloween time I can do purple and orange cupcakes with purple frosting and candy corn and it will be adorable! Then in the twilight hours tonight I will write more and it will have been a successful day. Have I fooled anyone else yet? Yeah me either....well it was an attempt while she is running to the store. I promise to have something to say tomorrow that is a little more interesting. That should get significantly easier to do once my mother in law is in the house. It will be nice to have another female here and perhaps it will even out some of the testosterone that roars through this place on a regular basis. She is close to my age (yes I am a cradle robber) and we get along very well together. She recently lost her husband so she is coming here to be close to family. When I say I am really looking forward to this I am serious. The only thing that could make me love her son anymore is maybe loving her more. He is already pretty treasured even on days when I want to strangle him. Ok enough babbling, time for some magical baking. :::waving as I ride out of sight::::

My demons

Well as you can see I am not as dedicated to some things as I should be. I looked back at the date I started blogging and realized FOUR years have passed. Wow where does the time go? I am currently writing what I call full time, that is in any spare time that I have at all. I am actually getting a few things published and yes I am well aware that this is the very start of my writing career. I had the thought last week that I should be blogging and came back here only to find I had done this a long time ago and just let it go. A lot has changed since then, I would like to think I am a different person today than I was then.  Four years ago I was totally lost in an addiction that I wasn't really even aware that I had. I mean I knew I took medications for pain but I had no idea this had thrown me in to the arena of being an addict.  I had to have a total knee replacement this year in march and upon entering the hospital I became painfully aware that NOTHING they were giving me for pain after surgery was helping my pain levels at all. It was then I believe that I started to realize that I couldn't take pain meds the way I was taking them and then expect anything else to work. Finding this out after surgery may not have been ideal but it was eye opening at best I will tell you. The day after surgery my ortho came in and said how are we doing today? Only to find me in tears sobbing hysterically. Morphine wasn't touching the pain because I had been living on Norcos (10/325) for more years than I could even keep count of. This may be in part due to the fact that I spent so many years living on them and using them just to get through the day. It tends to blur reality. Once I started healing and getting used to not having pain meds my head starting becoming clearer. I realized quickly that I had been living in addiction and making excuses for it for years. It was entirely possible the pain I had felt was increased by my need for more of the drugs. Your mind is a funny thing and it can convince you of things that an ordinarily sane mind would not think of. To say that the time I went through detox was fun would be a lie. It was pain like I had never known but more than that it was WANT. I wanted something to numb life so badly I seriously considered buying something on the street to help bridge the gap. Luckily for me I have a stronger constitution than even I knew. I made it through the withdrawal and the detox and all the cravings and bouts of insanity. I can now say I am at a saner place than I have ever been in my life. I am writing and actually doing something with it and I plan to keep at it. I have let far too many years of my life pass me by. Here I sit at 50 and in many ways I feel like I am starting over but if I can help ONE person who lives in addiction realize that they too can fight it and win then it will have all been worth it.