My demons

Well as you can see I am not as dedicated to some things as I should be. I looked back at the date I started blogging and realized FOUR years have passed. Wow where does the time go? I am currently writing what I call full time, that is in any spare time that I have at all. I am actually getting a few things published and yes I am well aware that this is the very start of my writing career. I had the thought last week that I should be blogging and came back here only to find I had done this a long time ago and just let it go. A lot has changed since then, I would like to think I am a different person today than I was then.  Four years ago I was totally lost in an addiction that I wasn't really even aware that I had. I mean I knew I took medications for pain but I had no idea this had thrown me in to the arena of being an addict.  I had to have a total knee replacement this year in march and upon entering the hospital I became painfully aware that NOTHING they were giving me for pain after surgery was helping my pain levels at all. It was then I believe that I started to realize that I couldn't take pain meds the way I was taking them and then expect anything else to work. Finding this out after surgery may not have been ideal but it was eye opening at best I will tell you. The day after surgery my ortho came in and said how are we doing today? Only to find me in tears sobbing hysterically. Morphine wasn't touching the pain because I had been living on Norcos (10/325) for more years than I could even keep count of. This may be in part due to the fact that I spent so many years living on them and using them just to get through the day. It tends to blur reality. Once I started healing and getting used to not having pain meds my head starting becoming clearer. I realized quickly that I had been living in addiction and making excuses for it for years. It was entirely possible the pain I had felt was increased by my need for more of the drugs. Your mind is a funny thing and it can convince you of things that an ordinarily sane mind would not think of. To say that the time I went through detox was fun would be a lie. It was pain like I had never known but more than that it was WANT. I wanted something to numb life so badly I seriously considered buying something on the street to help bridge the gap. Luckily for me I have a stronger constitution than even I knew. I made it through the withdrawal and the detox and all the cravings and bouts of insanity. I can now say I am at a saner place than I have ever been in my life. I am writing and actually doing something with it and I plan to keep at it. I have let far too many years of my life pass me by. Here I sit at 50 and in many ways I feel like I am starting over but if I can help ONE person who lives in addiction realize that they too can fight it and win then it will have all been worth it.